I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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