got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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