Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
