she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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