so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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