i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
