Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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