Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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