i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
