3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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