All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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