and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
