yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
