By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
