so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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