i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
