I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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