you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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