Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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