can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
