Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I checked into jail on foursquare
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
