You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
