I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
