She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
