I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We left the knife in your bed.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
