I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
