she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
