My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
