if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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