I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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