Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize