She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
