you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
