My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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