i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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