I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize