it's not cheating when I paid for it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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