So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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