I wish I could teleport
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
