what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Pooping to opera.
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