I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
