my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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