Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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