You're my little dorito
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sorry my hands just texted you
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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