i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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