I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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