So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
