Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
