What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
