I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
