maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
