Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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