i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
