I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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