R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
