her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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