So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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