don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
