I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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