he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
