it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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