Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
