I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
