Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
