I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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