i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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