i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
